Thursday, February 09, 2006

Neil Strauss dans la presse!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Another great post by TD on phone game

I get a phone call from an ex-girlfriend that I'm still close
with. We still hook-up, but I value her more as someone who I
can talk to now. I think that may change when I stop travelling
and I'm around more. For some reason, she's an anomaly who is
very self aware of her tendencies. That is, as opposed to most
girls I meet, who only offer useless socially conditioned
rhetoric, whenever you ask them about male/female interaction.

Over the course of the conversation, the topic of dating comes
up. I ask, "What does it mean when you meet up with a guy,
have a great time, maybe even kiss, but then when he calls you
don't go out with him? Like you make up excuses and don't
return his calls."

She replies, "Well there's this guy, Chris, who I met the
other night. I really liked him. I offered him my number. He
called me the other night, and asked me to meet up. I told him
'You know what, I think I actually will. Let me call you back.'
I really wanted to meet up. For some reason I never did though.

"The thing is, that I can feel the emotion that I felt when I
gave him my number, at the time that we're talking on the
phone. But the second we hang up, poof, it's gone. Also, I
actually have scheduling issues. It's not like this is someone
who I'm already friends with, who I'd give priority to. This is
some new person that I barely know.

"If he happens to catch me at the right time, I'd go out with
him. But I won't take the time or go out of my way to return
his calls. I don't call guys."

I reply, "So theoretically, you're sufficiently attracted to
this guy that under different circumstances you could have
wound up sleeping with him. Or even gotten into a five year
relationship, for all you know. But just because of ill luck in
timing and because he actually believed that you'd call him
back, now you'll never see him again.

"Is this weird to you at all?"

She replies, "Nope. It makes perfect sense. I don't care either
way, because I have guys available to me at all times so it's
my last priority. That guy was cool and I thought he was cute,
and maybe I'll see him again later or something. I also just
give out my number to be social most of the time. It doesn't
mean I have any intentions at all."

I reply, "He could use that opportunity to continue the
interaction to generate attraction down the line, no?"

She replies, "It's happened before. Really I just don't want to
meet new guys. I like being social when I'm out. But if I'm
attracted to a guy, I'll probably flake on him. I've already
slept with enough guys (she's nineteen years old, and has been
with five guys), I don't want to sleep with anymore right now.

"When I was with my two friends hanging out at these guys' house,
we made each other promise not to let each other do anything
because the guys were cute."

I reply, "OK that makes sense. What if he's really good
looking? Does that make a difference? Also, do you think that
when he calls it's better for him to chat you for a while, so
you can be reminded of why you gave him your number in the
first place? Or should he just call and immediately try to make
plans? Also, do you think it's better to call you out on your
bullshit in a funny way if you flake?"

She answers, "Looks means nothing when it comes to that stuff.
I know within seconds if I could or couldn't sleep with a guy.
I knew within seconds that we'd have sex, the night that we

I reply, "Are you serious? I don't think that my looks are on a
level that you'd want to sleep with me the second you saw me."

She replies, "True. But it's in your energy. The way you come
across. I can't explain it. As long as you're not morbidly
disfigured your looks won't be the main thing I judge on. Girls
all say they want looks, but they wind up with guys who aren't
hot all the time. There's so many guys that I think are so hot,
and I sit there waiting for them to talk and I'm all excited,
and they're like "hi" with some stupid line, and they sound
retarded and act weird. It's such a letdown, and most hot guys
are like that."

I reply, "Do you think the 25 point list I showed you has to do
with that kind of stuff?"

She replies, "Yes, definitely. Also stuff that you don't have
in there, like just your voice and facial expressions."

I reply, "OK, what about the other stuff with calling girls out
on bratty behaviour? Like confronting her for flaking?"

She replies, "Well if a guy tries to argue with me, I'll just
hang up on him. He would have to do it in a totally funny way
that doesn't make me upset or annoyed."

I reply, "Last night, I call up this flaky girl, and say 'You're
so annoying to get a hold of! It's so cute though, you're so
confused and disorganized. It's like you're my bratty little
sister. I don't even think I'm attracted to you anymore, I just
want to take care of you and help you get organized like a big
brother.'... Then she started giggling and said 'No no no..
I'll meet up with you, don't think of me like that!'.. Do you
think that was a good approach?"

She replies, "Yeah definitely. That was funny and if you did
that to me, I'd be like "Oh yeah, well maybe I WILL meet up
with you then!"

I reply, "OK awesome. So do you think it's good to talk for
like 15 minutes to remind her of what she gave you her number
for in the first place, and then go for a meet?"

She replies, "Probably longer than that actually. I'm not sure.
For you maybe less time because you do this stuff. But most
guys have no chance unless they're lucky because I'm either
bored or looking for something at that point in time. I guess
their best bet is to try to talk to me as much as possible, so
I become friends with them."


A few thoughts on this.

First, guys will attribute flaking to a lack of attraction. I
disagree with this line of thinking. Girls go into state, and
forget about it down the line. In fact, most of what occurs
while a girl's buying temperature is escalated will be
forgotten by the girl. They become disassociative and
cognitive dissonance kicks in.

Have you ever noticed that whatever drama happens the night
you meet a girl will be forgotten if you wind up dating? It's
because nothing that happens while she's in state counts to
her. That's also why we don't bother worrying about whether or
not a girl has a boyfriend. She becomes disassociative when
she's attracted, so it's not relevant to the interaction.

That being the case, there are a few tendencies that guys in
the scene have, that I think are wrong-headed:

1- Calling a girl on her bullshit for flaking in a way that
isn't cute or fun, or in a way that sounds angry or like you
actually care. In my experience, the only girls who respond to
that are the types who respond to this sort of behaviour in
general, which is a certain type of girl that is not the

2- Putting the girl in a position where she has to call you
back or its over.

3- Refusing to follow up with girls who don't make it easy to
meet up with them again by, and thinking that you're somehow
'NEXTing' them.

4- Thinking that all value is strictly conveyed in person, and
that it is a bad idea to talk for a long time on the phone
because it makes you look needy. Not that you *need* to call
long. But rather, call as long as you feel like. Calibrate so
as to hang up before she gets bored, but enjoy the interaction
as long as you want. It's just that much more comfort
building, and is only taking you that much closer to the

5- Giving up if the girl stands you up, because you think she
isn't attracted.

For me, there are a few things that I'll do when it comes to
the phone. First, if a girl flakes me, I'll tease her on it in
a funny way. I never get angry or look genuinely upset about
it. I never focus on reasoning with them logically.

I also don't give up if a girl doesn't call back. At the same
time, if they say they'll call back I'll say I don't get upset
like I know they won't. I'll just say "OK cool." and give them
the chance. But then if they don't call back when they said
they would, I'll call back a bit later and just re-initiate
the conversation as if I don't even remember that they didn't
follow up.

Now when it comes to the idea that "if a girl disrespects me
I'll NEXT her", that isn't my frame at all. To me, you can't
NEXT a girl who you haven't slept with. In my view, that's
just her NEXT'ing you. It's only a girl that I'm already with
that I'll do this to if she annoys me or crosses my boundaries.

For a girl I haven't slept with yet though, I have a certain
beliefs. She owes me nothing. It's all a game. No relationship
or connection exists between us until we've been together
physically, because she reserves the right to walk away at any
point. I have no emotional ties to the interaction, and I have
no ego about it. I just do what I think will work.

I also believe that there is a fundamental problem with many of
the social ideas about how often and when to call. For example,
there exists an idea in society that waiting to call will
create scarcity and value, as well as increase anticipation.

To me this is very wrong thinking. Notice that it stems from
the fact that 99% of pickups in society are SOCIAL CIRCLE
pickups. So for that kind of phone number, you'd have probably
had the tension building for weeks or months before the number
was exchanged. Of course waiting is better - it's been building
for months. But for girls you met on a cold approach, that is
not the case.

I know what world the girls live in. They live in the same
world that I do. The world where you meet tons of girls (in
their case its guys), and tons of them like you and tons of
them validate you. When I get home from a club, I literally
cannot remember the names or faces of girls I met.

To be more accurate, I literally barely remember the names or
faces of the last three girls I had sex with. I just got off
the phone with a girl that I was with less than twelve hours
ago, and Jeffy and I had to think for five minutes about what
her name was before I returned her call.

And I LIKED that girl.

I remember she was a hot brunette around my height, and seemed
cool. But that's about it.

For girls, it's the same. They can barely remember anyone they
meet, because they meet so many people. To make matters even
worse, they become disassociative while they're in the club.
Many of them have even had had a few drinks, but you couldn't

Of course, you can do daytime pickup. But regardless, the
girls still have access to many other good looking alpha guys
the second they want it.

Most guys don't even realize that it is very rare that an
attractive girl is not getting laid by one or more other guys.
That's even when they're single. They're still sleeping with
their ex-boyfriends, or some player on the side.

It's not like a hot girl is NOT getting laid, anymore than you
wouldn't be if you had the instant option. So when you're
calling, they are about as motivated to meet up with you as you
would be to drive across town to a good Italian restaurant,
when you're eating a good bowl of Chinese right in front of you.

Sure, the Italian would be great. But you have an unlimited
Chinese buffet sitting right here. Why would you be bothered?

The girls don't get that needy feeling that the guys get. They
are always validated, because they've been in the club at least
twice a week, getting validated by all the guys complimenting
them and buying them drinks.

When it comes to how I handle the phone, I don't worry that if
I call back multiple times it will make me look bad. Because I
have high social value, and don't subcommunicate any neediness,
I can call as much as I want.

In fact, I'll call two or three times in a row if she's not
picking up, back to back. I'll call back whenever I feel like
it, because it's obvious that I'm amusing myself and that I
don't really care. I could take it or leave it, and I'm just
having fun.

I'll call and shoot the shit, and then hassle her until she
meets up. Whatever.

I also combat excuses by adding in phone freezeouts, and
following them with playful teasing and some semi-logical
stuff like "Hey, come chill for a few minutes. If you're bored,
take off and we'll catch up later."

My goal is to have the girl on the phone ASAP. I don't want
them to have any time to forget that we have plans to meet up.
I'll call girls' cellphones even as I'm leaving the club and
going for afterbar food. I'll have pulled a girl from the club
to an afterhours food place, and run off to the bathroom to
call all my numbers, while my wing occupies our set (I have a
habit of pulling a two set with my wing for same night, and
take numbers from the choice girls in larger sets).

Whether I reach them or not, I'll call them again as soon as I
wake up the next afternoon, and get the ball rolling. I'm not
thinking to make them wonder if I'll call or not, because I
know they could care less. Not because they aren't attracted.
Rather, because there are many attractive prospects on their
plates, and regardless of my game, I'm one of many.

The difference between me and them though, is that I'll get her
and they won't, because I'll play it properly.

If a girl stands me up, I'll call her and make fun of her for
it. I'll hassle her to meet up. I'll say I'm still there and
she had better get her ass down there, because she's my little
sister and if she doesn't get down here I don't know what
trouble she'll get into if she doesn't have me there to
supervise her.

I don't care either if she wants her friends to come or not.
All of this means nothing to me. I just want to see her again,
because I'll get her no matter what she throws at me.

The difference between a day1 and a day2 is that she's there to
see *me*. So she has no excuse not to come back somewhere
private if we're spending time together. And from there I can

So let's summarize.

In my experience, I've found it best to get away from the idea
that you're trying to make the girl fall in love with you
before you hook up with her.

Focus on just showing you're a cool guy who she has the
potential to be attracted to, and then make it your only
priority to see her again. Don't worry about your value over
the phone. You can't wreck a pickup from over a phone line.
That makes no sense.

If you're the kind of guy who she's attracted to, then just
act congruent to that over the phone. Call her and get her
accustomed and accepting that you're in her life now. Make
plans, and if she is flaky don't worry about it, and be
playfully persistent by chatting her more, not by talking
non-stop about the flaking. Meet, have fun, connect, isolate,
and from there its up to you.. :)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

how to implement a habit

interesting post by TD

I noticed a pattern recently about how I implement habits.

Here is how I implement a habit.

Usually I'll get some idea of some over the top thing that I want to accomplish.

So maybe I weigh 120 pounds and I want to make the college football team. Or maybe I've had failing grades all through high school and I want to get in to the best college. Or maybe I can't get a girlfriend and I decide to be a PUA. I have tons of these.

First I will get an idea of what I'm trying to accomplish and what will be involved.

I have the general principle that while I'm not that smart, I know that most other people aren't that smart either. Or rather, its not that people aren't that smart, but just that most people walk through life in a trance and generally don't break out of their habits. They just listen to what other people tell them and aren't willing to look at the finer details of things, so it is easy to get to the top of any field if you are willing to do that. Everyone thinks that there are all these conspiracies and super ways that people do things, but usually the top guys are just as disorganized as the average dudes on the street. It's like kids at top colleges who pay six figures to attend school. You'd think that they'd show up to class, but they don't show up any more than the kids in cheaper schools. Human habit is human habit. I figure that there is pretty much no limit of what level I can reach so long as I have an idea of what the top level looks like. In fact, I assume that I can surpass it before I even start.

From there, I decide what I'll have to do to get to that point. I figure how long it will take, and the habit that I'll have to integrate on a DAY TO DAY.

This is what I consider PROACTIVE and LOGICAL reasoning. I don't wait until some girl dumps me to start going out when I'm emotionally compelled, and then stop going out when I feel better about myself. That is REACTIVE.

Instead, I figure to myself, "Alright, I have to go out 3-7 nights a week for around three years. Fine."

At that point I FULLY ACCEPT that this is what I will be doing. I also am unlikely to change my plans, as I tend to think that if I can't trust myself to stick to one area then I can't trust myself to stick to my next area, so there if I'm going to be like that then there's no point in even starting anything.

The big thing for me, is that I will get out there whether the conditions are ideal or not. So if I'm not dressed properly, I will still get out there. If I'm not feeling well, I'll just go out for a bit and come home to keep the habit. I do the same thing in the gym if I have not slept properly or if I am busy or sick. If I know that I'm too tired to get a good workout I'll still show up and push through it. If I'm too busy then I'll just rush through it and won't worry about eating before or after. And if I'm sick then I'll at least show up to the gym and stretch.

I don't think about these things. I just accept them.

Now the big thing when you start something new is that progress is going to be non-existent at first and will go up in a j-curve if you can make it through the initial pain. Most people quit because starting something is REALLY hard and usually feels directionless for a long time. The guys who make it through that initial part will eventually get to a level where progress is really fast and noticeable, and for them it will become a hobby and fun. But at first it is purely banging your head against the wall to make the most minuscule advancements. Not fun.

So in an area like pickup, if you are starting off as a total dork like I was then it is pretty much going to be zero progress for a few months. You will go out and people will be really unresponsive and hard on you. It won't change for a long time either, because the more you're getting rejected the more you're feeling shitty. The only plus side is that you're learning that you won't die, which is actually pretty important.

When you start anything, whether sports or dance or music, it will probably be pretty embaressing and painful. You'll be around people who have it all figured out, and their neural connections will be fine tuned from what seems like infinite repetition. You'll see this, and it will just give you a headache. Literally, for me, I see this kind of thing and I feel nauseous because it is so intimidating.

The way I get through it is literally BLIND FAITH. I will figure out what the basic training is and do it OVER AN OVER, regardless of whether or not I get a result.

A big part of this is that I have NO OUTCOME for a very long time. My only outcome is to get my ass out of the house and to wherever I'm supposed to be. My criteria for success isn't how well I did. It's IF I SHOWED UP and did what I was supposed to do. My expectations of myself are very low.

I read posts on here about guys in the field for six months and frustrated that they aren't getting results, and I really don't relate to why they're finding this to be unusual. When I took my first workshop I was getting laid, but I had a major social fear of clubs and my goal was to learn how to game girls in that environment. It took me a few months to get my first club makeout but I never thought anything of it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to be one of these guys who comes on a month later and says "I still haven't gotten laid." I was told that it would take me six months to get "passably not lame," and I took that at face value. There was no way after I spent all that time and money that I wasn't going to go out and do what the guy told me to do. That would have devalidated the whole thing. To be honest, although I learned a lot on the program, I couldn't remember shit afterwards because the whole thing was shocking like a whirlwind. The big thing I took from it was INSPIRATION and CONFIRMATION THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE. That was ALL I needed to get good.

First I learned how to open in a club environment. OK, got that. Then how to hook attention for thirty seconds. Ok, got that. Then how to tell stories. OK, got that. Then how to tease and create sexual tension. OK, got that. Then how to get a number. OK, got that. Then I realized they all flaked. OK, scrap everything, back to the drawing board. Then how to deliver it better. OK, got better reactions. Then how to slow it the fuck down to get the same reactions without being a dancing monkey. OK, got that. Each of these took weeks or months at a time.

The process went on for years, but now I have the exact result that I want.

Guys say to me "Wow, you had such dedication" and I can't relate to that. To me, that's like telling a kid who goes to play basketball after school for a few years that he has dedication. It wasn't dedication. It was a routine. A habit. A hobby. I made the time for it in my life, and I never worried about how well I was doing. I assumed with blind faith that everything would take care of itself if I just kept going out and meeting people to get advice on how I was doing.

Jlaix and I were talking, and he was like "Dude, my skills are in like the stratosphere lately. It's getting so good it's scary." I was like "Think about it. Remember back in the day when we were dorks, and we were like 'all we have to do is go out for six months and we'll be decent'? Six months seemed like forever back then, but now six months breezes by like its nothing, and every time that happens our skills are going up at the same rate that they were back in the day. The improvement keeps compiling and that's why these results are showing up."

If you think back to the last six months or a year, it seems like nothing. That time passes so fast. You get older and decades start to fly by.

When you implement a habit, you're thinking about the outcome and how hard the training is. So you go through the one night and because its one of your first nights you remember every detail and it seems like a lifetime. And then you think "Six more months of THIS? Or a YEAR?!"

But that's the wrong thinking. If you're thinking like that there is no way you'll get anywhere. The point is to just keep going out and not try to get results. Just go out and do your exercises and it will come naturally. Don't think of it as "Six more months." Think "This is what I'm doing now. My day consists of this now. This is my lifestyle."

To me, it comes down to this: 1-Get an idea of what you want. 2-Formulate a plan of how often you need to show up to get there. 3-Accept that your new activity is a part of your life for the duration of the time you've decided, and never decide based on emotions if you're going to show up or not. Just show up. 4-Don't worry if you're getting results, just stick to the plan with blind faith, and make your criteria for success just to show up. 5-Make it a hobby, look at the details critically without taking advice dogmatically, and take the initiative to shift the focus of your training when your intuition tells you that it might help.

Don't focus on chasing outcome. Focus on sticking to habits. Make your criteria for success if you stuck to the habit.

Anyway, hopefully that was helpful to some people.