Profound excerpt from (The Way Of The Superior Man, David Deida)

About David Deida

Acknowledged as one of the world's most insightful and provocative spiritual teachers of our time, best-selling author David Deida continues to revolutionize the way that men and women grow spiritually and sexually. His teachings and writings on a radically practical spirituality for our time have been hailed as among the most original and authentic contributions to personal and spiritual growth currently available.

Known internationally for his unique workshops on spiritual growth and sacred intimacy, Deida has designed and developed a remarkably effective program of transformative practices that addresses spiritual awakening in mind, body, and heart. He is a founding associate of Integral Institute and has taught and conducted research at the University of California Medical School in San Diego; University of California, Santa Cruz; San Jose State University; Lexington Institute, Boston; and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris, France.

Deida is known worldwide as the author of hundreds of essays, audiotapes, videotapes, articles, and books that bring to light an integral approach to spirituality. His books include the best-selling underground classic, The Way of the Superior Man; several practical texts on authentic sexual spirituality, including Finding God Through Sex and Blue Truth; and the autobiographical novel about highly unconventional spiritual training, Wild Nights.

David Deida's books are published in more than twenty languages worldwide and are required reading in university, church, and spiritual center courses, source texts used in men's and women's groups around the world, and are considered important resources for spiritual transformation and sacred sexuality by everyone from achievement coach Tony Robbins to philosopher Ken Wilber to minister and spiritual spokeswoman Marianne Williamson.

"For certain people, If you choose a committed intimacy it is important to understand that the woman you choose does not want to be #1 in your life. She may of course want to be the most important human in your life but she does not want to be the most important anything in your life. She knows that one day she will die. She knows that the relationship may or may not last. She knows that if you hide your deepest purpose or if you curtail your deepest life impulse in order to please her in order to make her feel like she's #1 in life. You will also resent her, because you have also given your deepest impulse to make her feel like she's the only reason why you're alive.

There's a big difference between her being the light of your life, the inspiration of your heart, the source of your heart arousal, the way your soul connects to the world and attracted into the world. There's a difference between a woman offering you those blessings and a woman who you cannot live without.

If you cannot live without her, if you are dependent on her, if you can only continue when she's giving you love and you collapse if she does not, if you can only continue giving your gift when she's in your life and you cease giving your gift when she is not in your life, she can feel that weakness in you. She doesn't want you to require her to be a certain way in order for you to be able to give your gift.

She doesn't want you to require her to be in your life or else you can't go on. She doesn't want a little baby that is dependent on her. She wants a man who is fully giving his gift to the world AND to her and embraces her in his giving. Embraces her completely in his chosen purpose, she is part of his purpose but she is NOT all of it.

She doesn't want to be smothered by his need for her to be there, for her to be a certain way. In fact she doesn't want him to depend on her at all. She wants to feel a free man, a man who loves her, a man who chooses her above all other feminines sources, a man who chooses her as a treasure of his life that brings light to his entire life but would continue giving his gift completely even if she dissapeared tomorrow.

A man who is happy with her, and happy without her but chooses her forcefully and passionately, but equally forcefully and passionately would continue giving his gift with or without her. Such a man she can trust, she can trust as heart isn't bending his needs but rather offering love that isn't curtailed, that is not holding back in order to keep her with him, that is not holding back in order not to scare her away.

[...]

One of the way that the masculine is very different from the feminine is that the masculine lives in a grid of space of time. So for a woman or man that is in their masculine when they say I will meet you at 45th street. It's a certain space and time that's agreed upon and you both need to make plans to get there, both in space and time. So the masculine is always holding a kind of grid of reality in his mind of what people said and what they've committed to and what they've done and how that stretched out in space and time. But the feminine in women is simply the flow of how things are happening for real right now. It does not matter if it's been sunny for 30 days if for the 31st day there's a tsunami or a hurricane or a rainstorm. The previous 30 days of sunshine mean nothing. Suddenly everything is soaked. All that matter is that it is raining now. Now to the masculine outside of life, observing life, observing all that which changes. The masculine can feel "Humm, it was sunny for 30 days then it rained for one day. My guess is that it will be sunny for another 30 days!"

So the masculine can extract itself out an make generalizations and therefore the masculine can forgive mistakes. The masculine can say, "Hum, that person was on time for 20 years they have never missed a meeting, and they just missed a meeting. It must have been an accident because that's a trustable person that has never missed a meeting in 20 years till now." That however is NOT how the feminine works. The feminine is that 31 days when it's raining.

If YOU, as a man, in a committed intimacy made a promise to your woman. And you BREAK that promise. She is NOT trusting you NOW. She feels in her body NOW, that you said one thing and did another and RIGHT NOW in her body she cannot FIND trust in you. It does not matter that in the previous YEAR, or 10 YEARS you had always done what you said you would do. Your track record is MEANINGLESS to her. IF she is in her feminine.

[...]

If she remains in her feminine. Which means you CAN enjoy the sexual polarity, her sexual passion so you can rest in your masculine, she can rest in her feminine. By definition that means your track record is MEANINGLESS to her. The fact that you've kept your word in 30 YEARS means NOTHING if in THIS MOMENT you have not. If she is in her feminine, and up to this moment you have not kept your word. Her heart is CRUSHED, her body is TURNED OUT, she cannot trust her guidance because you just lied to her. Never mind that you've never mistaken before, you always done what you always said you'd done before.

So one of the mistakes is that often the masculine partner will EXPECT her feminine partner to BE LIKE HIM. Again, we ALL DO THIS, we all assume that everyone is like us. But one way that the feminine is not like the masculine, is that your track record however good it is doesn't mean anything to her.

RIGHT NOW, if you are not alined with what you said, your actions aren't alined with your words. She feels it RIGHT NOW IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT, and cannot trust you RIGHT NOW. And the time and space grid that you're holding "BUT BUT for twenty years I've done everything just right" is MEANINGLESS to her. She does not hold that grid in her feminine. She does in her masculine and you need to ask herself. So what you should ask yourself is do you want her to go into her masculine so that she is not sexually attracted to you but she realizes that you've done things right most of the time, OR, would you rather experience a deep passion of polarity between the two of you and just know that moment by moment, she is ALWAYS reflecting your integrity to you in the moment. You could be perfectly right on for year after year and then you suddenly lose integrity in that moment, she doesn't trust you that much.

YES, it is a pain in the butt. But IT IS what you want. In the way of the superior man you want a woman that instantaneously reflects to you the depth of your integrity so that you can then error correct, so that you can feel deeper into your heart.

Of course there are times when she can be just testing you to see how aligned you are, she could be testing you by pushing you a little bit, by teasing you a little bit, by seeing to see if she can knock you off your purpose to see if she can distract you and then she finds pleasure in that she CANNOT distract you from your depth, but your track record, your history, your grid in space and time, that you as a masculine person hold is not held by the feminine.

So if you want to embrace the feminine it means embracing a being that is IN THE MOMENT, reflecting to you not just what you are doing, but everything in her experience, EVERYTHING, not including the grid of space and time that you are holding. You have a track record in your mind, but to the feminine there IS NO track record. There is simply the flow of integrity that you are expressing NOW, or NOT.

If your woman is relaxed in her feminine, she is responding to you SPONTANEOUSLY in the moment. Right now she is showing you her feelings IN THIS MOMENT in response to you, it has nothing to do with your track record for the last 20 years. It's only this moment.

So if you make a mistake, and of course everyone makes mistakes. Perhaps we could look at life as a man, as one long mistake that we're constantly learning from, but since we're always making mistakes, we're always seeing that look in our partner's face because SHE CAN FEEL, when we're NOT living from our deepest source. She can feel when we are lying to ourselves, she can feel when we bend our heart's deepest impulse for the sake of our owns fears, or even for her own fears. But because her response is spontaneous and not based on a grid of space and time it means that in the very next moment, after making a mistake, she just wants TO FEEL YOU, DEEP AND PRESENT, offering YOUR deepest heart to her deepest heart. She doesn't need to feel you go on and on about how you're going to fix yourself. That space and time grid doesn't really matter to her feminine. She doesn't need to feel you collapse into your own weakness and endlessly apologizing about how better you'll do next time, how you're sorry for hurting her, if you know you've hurt her, and that you made a mistake, you may simple acknowledge that you've made a mistake.

I've messed up, BUT THEN THE VERY NEXT MOMENT, SHOW HER, that you've error-corrected, SHOW that now you've fallen down, stood up, dusted yourself up and taken the next step taking into account what you've learned from your mistake. Every mistake is a learning. So your woman can feel your constant learning parallel with what seems to you to be your constant mistakes.

One of the secrets for offering your depth to a woman is not to linger in time but IN THE MOMENT, PRESENT MOMENT, to simply offer your deepest love to her so her heart opens if she is closed down and concerned because you've done something stupid, you've seen what you've done, you've corrected what you've done, but she's still concerned perhaps it's more important to embrace her or to give her a loving spanking with a smile, or to tickle her, or to stand up and put up some music and dance with her for a few minutes with her, sometimes you can open your body to touch, sometimes you can open her heart to humor, sometimes you can access her soul through your gaze, in this present moment, NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR ERROR WAS A FEW MINUTES AGO.

[...]

You do not take your psychological processes and make her deal with it. SHE IS NOT YOUR THERAPIST. She is not your men's group LEADER trying to help you man to man. She is the water, and you have touched the water and it has rippled."

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It is so profound. As it encapsulates and articulates so well and so clearly how the relationship between a man and a woman is from a spiritual point of view. And rings true and kind of confirms with alot of depth alot of the logical concepts and belief systems I've been learning from other sources as well as my own personal observations in my own life.

I thought it would be useful to talk about Dilt's hierarchy of the logical levels (NLP Model) here because I believe that Spirituality can bring a person to profound realizations and therefore affect powerful, long lasting change into his own personal life:

Here they are starting from the highest level to the lowest:

1. Spirit/Physics
2. Reality
3. Identity
4. Beliefs
5. Values
6. Understanding
7. Skills
8. Techniques
9. Situations

The basis of this map is to give you a general working visual map to guide your thinking, it is believed in the field of NLP that if you can impact change upon a higher level it will affect change in ALL of the bottom levels. This map is factual and fairly accurate and stems from the belief that changing a higher level forces a reorganization of the lower levels.

For example if you cultivate your spirituality as a result that will result in important changes in the way your reality will look(spirituality/physics), how you will view yourself as a person(identity), the things you truly believe about yourself or other things(beliefs), what's most important to you(values), how well you understand(understanding), your capacity to perform at various tasks(skills), your mastery over specific tricks(techniques) and how your day to day situations will look like(situations) in your life.

For example becoming a good guitarist would be considered working on your skills, but will that impact anything in your understanding of how women work? Most likely not.

Working on your beliefs to become more confident in the area of becoming good with women in consequence will most likely impact your confidence in ALL areas of your life, hence make you better at many other things, INCLUDING playing guitar.